trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
