It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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