My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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