are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
and you said cock pushups were impossible
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
