I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
