I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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