My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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