Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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