i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
