good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
