I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
