I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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