also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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