Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
