Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can you bring me the toilet please
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
