it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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