it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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