I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
