I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
