Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
