My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
