My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Randomize