some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
