You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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