I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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