ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
