The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
