it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
