Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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