I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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