I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just want to make out with him forever
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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