The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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