every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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