a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
