yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
