my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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