Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
