Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
