so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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