my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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