I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
