I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
