I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
