Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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