I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
BRING THE BAGELS
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
