Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
