If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
