i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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