Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
