i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
