the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
