I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
